


have another drink (get lost in us)

by franziskas



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Drinking, F/M, High T, Jyn is a disaster, Jyn/Leia friendship, Like really high, Literally all the pining, Miscommunication, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-07-27 19:29:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20051335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/franziskas/pseuds/franziskas
Summary: After a night of heavy drinking, Jyn has to come to terms with the fact that she slept with her best friend. Naturally, she spirals. 2/2





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Is this just 12k of delusion and rambling? Maybe so. Inspired by Perfect Places by Lorde. Part 2 coming soon. Let me know if you enjoy :)

When Jyn cracks her eyes open to the morning sun, the first thing she notices is the heavy pounding in her left temple, a result of her excessive and definitely unnecessary drinking the night before. The second is that the ceiling she's squinting up at with bleary, tired eyes is not her own. She frowns, blinking in confusion, sluggishly shifting under the sheets. A squeaky yawn escapes her as she stretches her legs; then there's a grumble from her right, followed by the feeling of a warm arm tightening around her waist. Surprised, she turns her head, sucks in a soft, disbelieving breath.

Cassian is sleeping peacefully beside her, his usually unimpressed expression tucked away. Without his cynical frown, he looks five years younger, but still just as beautiful. Half his face is pressed into a pillow, and she has the sudden urge to sweep her fingers down his cheek, to trace the sharp line of his jaw, but she resists, still not convinced she isn't dreaming. When she has them, they're rarely this sweet.

His arm is slung low over her waist, tips of his fingers ghosting over her side. She shivers when his leg slides along hers, a little thrilled, and pushes herself closer. Every place he's touching catches fire, and she realizes how thoroughly fucked she is when she thinks: _I'll let you turn me to ash._ His nose just barely brushes hers, his even exhales fanning across her cheek. When she tilts her head a hair to get a better look at him, his stubble scratches pleasantly against her chin. She jumps, then inhales sharply, immediately freezing so she doesn't wake him and break whatever enchantment has been cast over them. He was barely touching her with one hand and she was losing it. _For shame,_ she chastises herself, even as she considers turning onto her side and curling a leg over his hip. In her defense, it had been awhile, and Cassian was so handsome that sometimes it hurt to look at him.

Jyn bites her lip, tries and fails to pretend that the scent of him on the pillows and sheets isn't driving her mad, that his hand on her abdomen doesn't make her want to grab it and guide it lower. She's always thought he had nice hands; tan, calloused; but gentle on her back when guiding her through a crowded room. Now, she's thinking of them dragging her shirt up her chest and over her head, smoothing from her clavicle to her thighs, curling and twisting inside of her.

Somehow, she fits perfectly along the length of him; if she turns just half an inch, she can slide her thigh between his legs, slotting their hips together. For a moment, it makes her forget that she's unbearably hungover, that her mouth tastes like whiskey and stale pretzels. She could stay suspended in time here forever, sunbeams creeping across the bed in the shape of the slatted shade on the window, Cassian's soft breathing in her ear.

It's not the first time she's woken up beside him, but it is the first time that it feels like... intimacy. Like they do this everyday, like it's perfectly natural. She was never uncomfortable with Cassian, but this was different, somehow. Peaceful. Not a word she often used.

Normally, her first instinct would be to bolt from this strange, wonderful moment before it was too late, but her emotions had been involved when it came to the man sleeping beside her long before this, so despite herself, she just sinks further into the sheets, closes her eyes. A bird chirps outside, breaking the still silence, and she thinks, perhaps a little vulnerability would be worth the chance of waking up like this more often.

Jyn's eyes snap back open at that. _That can never happen. You know that,_ she tells herself. Betting her friendship with Cassian and then rolling the dice with the hope that he maybe felt the same as she did was definitely not worth it. Finally finding the will to withdraw from him, she slowly sits upright, careful not to jostle his arm too much for fear of waking him. She misses the weight of it the moment it's gone, but doesn't let herself drift back into his orbit, no matter how soft and inviting he looked.

When she slides out from beneath his sheets to swing her legs over the side of the bed, she realizes with a start that she's not wearing the same clothes she'd gone out in the night before, just her underwear and one of Cassian's t-shirts. Something worrisome needles at her. Not once since waking up had she even bothered to wonder how she'd ended up in his bed. She supposes she'd just assumed she'd been too drunk for him to attempt corralling her to her apartment, so he'd taken her back to his place instead. Though, she usually ends up passed out on his couch when that happens, not tucked into his side.

The night before was a bit of a blur for her, just bits and pieces, moments that don't make sense when she tries to put them together. She could hold her liquor better than most, but she must have gone a bit buckwild, given the severity of the hangover and the gaps in her memory. She remembers the bar, that really dive-y one that Leia always drags her to because the drinks were insanely cheap and served with a glare, Leia herself laughing loudly over the classic rock, Cassian sliding into the booth beside her hours after he was supposed to have shown up, smelling divine and looking perfectly polished (he'd even trimmed his beard, she’d noted with narrowed eyes) in his blue flannel, fresh off a date she hadn't known he'd had.

She'd been a bit miffed at first, pouting into her drink until Leia had elbowed her, giving her a 'you're being Extremely Obvious right now' look when Cassian got up to grab another round.

She didn't care that he was dating. _Honestly._ It was just irksome that he hadn't thought to shoot her a simple 'running late' text, that her _best friend_ hadn't even bothered to tell her that he'd had a date planned in the first place. That was all, she told herself, and if she asked about details it was only because she was terribly nosy, and because he was distracted all night, hardly there even though he was right beside her. ("How'd it go?" She'd asked after having to repeat the story she was trying to tell him twice, and he'd said, "Really well. I'm seeing her again in a few days.") She'd never seen him text so much. It was nauseating.

After that, her casual drinking had escalated, and by midnight she'd been wasted. She'd said goodbye to Leia shortly after, and Cassian had offered to walk her home, tucking her hand into the crook of his arm so she didn't fall over while drunkenly stumbling down the sidewalk, and then it was dark for her. Somehow, they'd ended up at his apartment. She was probably over-thinking it, but waking up in his bed had really thrown her for a loop. His place was closer to the bar, sure, but there was no reason she'd have willingly put herself in the position to wake up like she had with him. She wasn't a fan of self-imposed torture, and it was bloody torture, not being able to slide her hands underneath his shirt, not being able to press her lips to the indent of his collarbone.

Jyn sighs, running a hand through her mussed hair. She sorts her fringe as best as she can before reaching for her jeans, lying discarded in a crumpled heap on the floor just beside his bed. She fishes her phone from out of her pocket, opening Leia's messages first, preparing to be yelled at. She'd probably been expecting a 'got home safe' text.

**Leia O.** [Saturday 1:04 am]

What did he say? Did you guys bang?

**Leia O.** [Saturday 1:28 am]

Omg are you banging rn?

**Leia O.** [Saturday 2:34 am]

Don't you dare hold out on me. I'm INVESTED

Jyn frowns, eyebrows bunching together. She rereads the messages, searching for some other meaning between the lines. Why on Earth would Leia—besides her obvious-to-everyone-but-Cassian Thirsting—think that? Of course, drunk!Jyn had a mind of her own and absolutely no self-control. There was no telling what her less guarded alter-ego had said or done. Probably something completely life ruining, if Cassian was involved. As of late, when it came to him, even her sober mind wandered more and more to thoughts of what if, and domesticity. _Love._

When she thinks about it hard enough, the pieces slot together, and she drops her head to her bare knees, groaning in mortified dismay. Just as she'd expected: completely life ruining.

It's the feeling of Cassian's mouth on hers, her fingers threading through his wet hair as he digs into his pocket for his keys. She archs into him, not particularly caring that they're in the middle of the hallway in full view of anyone coming and going, scraping her nails lightly down the back of his head. He presses closer with a groan, her back completely flush to the door. For a moment, he gives up on getting them inside, one hand braced against the door above her head, the other on the curve of her jaw.

Not one to let tenderness run amok for too long, she experimentally runs her tongue along his lower lip. How far are they going to go? How much does he want her? He responds in kind, and their teeth clink together as she drags him against her. She half gasps, half laughs, feels the low rumble in his chest as he laughs, too. A little dazed sounding, but happy.

_Happy._ It hits her like a ton of bricks, and her heart swells with the mass of it. How could one man make her feel so much, all at once, all the time?

They stumble inside together once he finally manages to extract himself from her long enough to fit his key into the lock, and he helps her shed her dripping jacket—right! It had started raining sheets almost as soon as they'd left the bar, and she'd been soaked to the bone within a few short minutes. Cassian, ever the saint, had taken pity on her and her drowned cat look, offering her dry clothes and a place to warm up while she waited for the rain to clear.—then his jacket and her wet shirt, fingers skimming dangerously along her sides after he pulls it over her head. She hisses, a warning: _keep doing that and we'll never make it to your room._ She lurches up on her toes to kiss him again when he grins unabashedly; eyes dark and pulling her in as they roam hungrily over her half-naked body.

"Fuck, Jyn," he'd whispered against her neck moments later, hands moving from her hips to the small of her back to hoist her closer (this is the only time she'll ever curse his height, she just can't get near enough. The minuscule distance between them was far too great), yearning and scorching and awed all at once. The way he said her name was criminal, and she'd tilted her head back, giving him more access to her throat with a soft, sighing moan. She'd hardly cared at the time, but now she flushes deeply. It was not lost on her, how easily she melted for him.

Then—they'd ended up here in his bed.

Jyn turns her head to look at him over her shoulder, still sleeping and blissfully unaware of the pit opening in her stomach. Her friendship with Cassian meant more than anything to her. It was true that she wanted more, but he'd never given her any inkling that he felt the same, so she was (mostly) content to love him from afar, and hope that he stayed. His friendship was better than his nothing. But now? This was going to ruin everything.

After all, he was _dating._

She has to turn away, can't quite look at his relaxed face without her eyes turning misty. He was _dating,_ and enjoying it, and enjoying it so much that he already had another one planned. When he woke up and realized what had happened between them the night before, he was going to push her away and she'd lose him forever.

All this time she's spent keeping herself in check, toeing the line between lusting and loving and friendship—it had all been for nothing. Sure, she always expects things to blow up in her face, that was the nature of her life and it always had been, but this was something she'd hoped against all hope that she wouldn't rip apart. Apparently, drunk!Jyn had other plans.

The sour feeling inside twists, and she's not sure if it's the hangover or the reality of what she's done settling in. She rips Cassian's shirt off and wiggles into her jeans, almost falling onto her face in her rush to get away. She winces, checking to make sure she hadn't woken him with her clumsiness. Thankfully, he was still adorably snoozing away. The last thing she needs is him catching her mid-escape. She tiptoes from the bedroom, and it takes everything she has not to look back at him one last time before she shuts the door. She finds her shoes beside the couch, her shirt on the floor in the entryway, still a little damp from the rain, and doesn't think of them kissing there as she passes through to leave. She doesn't.

(She does, and it follows her all the way out the door; his mouth greedy and hungry on hers, the hands she's been dying to feel on her for as long as she's known him pushing her back onto his bed, unzipping her jeans agonizingly slow, wicked glint in his eye when she whines, shifting her hips upwards in anticipation.)

Her walk of shame to the elevator seems longer than usual, and she prays none of his neighbors will choose now to come outside to use the trash chute. They would definitely recognize her, and wonder why Cassian's 'best friend' was leaving his apartment at nine in the morning on a Saturday looking like a hot mess. She hasn't looked in a mirror, but she's seventy percent sure she has sex hair.

The elevator ride is torturously slow, giving her ample time to think about how terrible she was for leaving, but she just couldn't bear to face him, couldn't bear for things to change between them quite yet. She needs time to process, to piece together the rest of the night, to talk to Leia and Chirrut and Baze.

Outside, she thinks a bit clearer, the crisp autumn air biting at her cheeks. She pulls her jacket tighter around herself, tries not to let her mind wander back to Cassian rolling it off of her arms, his mouth hot on her shoulder and neck, but it goes there anyway.

They'd probably had sex. It's all she'd been thinking of while pressed against his door; getting down to just their skin, drawing a moan or two out of him. Hell, she'd have fucked him right there on the entryway floor if he'd been open to it. She had finally gotten to touch him like she's wanted to for years and there was no hope of stopping for the sake of their friendship after that. Even sober!Jyn would have folded. The way he'd pulled her clothes off... she shivers, but not from the cold.

For the life of her, she can't quite put her finger on how they'd even started kissing. Of course, she always wants to, but she'd never thought about actually doing it; actually closing the distance between them and hoping her lips would say what her voice could not.

What she could remember clearly was better than she'd imagined—nobody had ever touched her like that; careful, like she could be broken, like she'd slip right through his fingers and crumble to dust. She couldn't escape it, and as she jogs down the stairs to enter the subway station, she wishes she had the guts to turn around and crawl back into bed with him before he even realized she was gone.

After squeezing into the last open seat in the car, Jyn pulls Leia's message thread back up. She glances at the time, half past nine. Leia would be just coming in from her morning jog. She purses her lips, types: _Cassian and I maybe had sex I think I'm freaking out also probably going into cardiac arrest_, deletes it. Types: _I'm in love with him this is a disaster how do I get rid of it_, deletes it. Types: _PLEASE HELP ME_, deletes it. She gives up on making sense of the word salad, taps the call button instead.

Leia picks up after the first ring, "Finally!" She chirps by way of greeting, "I thought you'd _never_ call. What happened?! Tell me everything." Suspicion prickles at her, Leia seems to know more about what happened between her and Cassian the night before than Jyn does. Of course, her friend hadn't drank nearly half as much as her.

"I think we had sex." Jyn says flatly, casting her eyes around the car to check for eavesdroppers. Thankfully, nobody is even looking in her direction. She feels like she has a flashing neon pink sign above her head: _if there's something to destroy, I'll find it._

Leia is silent for a moment, then, "... You _think?_"

"I didn't exactly stick around for confirmation when I woke up this morning." Jyn winces at her own words. If Cassian just left her without a word, she would be heartbroken, her romantic (_ugh_) feelings for him aside. He was the one person on this planet that she couldn't stand to hurt, and yet, here she was. He'd been her best friend for the better part of three years, and he deserved more than her sneaking out in the early hours like he was a dirty little secret.

Leia seems to agree, gasping, "You left like it was a one night stand?! Jyn, what the _actual_—"

"You know I don't deal with emotional confrontation very well, Leia!" Jyn defends herself, needlessly, because she knows Leia's right. Her stomach turns—is she nauseous from the hangover or from the thought of Cassian waking up alone? "I was _beyond_ drunk last night. I think I still might be, to be honest. God knows what I said or did."

"Jyn, you have to talk to him."

"I don't _have_ to. Maybe it'll blow over."

"Oh my—do you _really_ believe that?" The skepticism and frustration is clear in the brunette’s voice. Leia sounded almost as tired of her shit as Jyn herself was.

Jyn doesn't answer her question (_of_ _course_ she doesn’t believe it’ll simply blow over. She’s not a complete idiot), instead says, "He's seeing that girl again, you know. The one from the date last night. He said it went really well."

"He took _you_ home, Jyn. Christ, what more does the man have to do? He had a date that went 'really well' and he still showed up to see you and walk your emotionally stunted, drunk ass home." Leia sighs, like she's explaining something exceedingly simple to a toddler that's just not putting it together. "If you just talk to him—"

"I can't." Jyn interrupts, "Not yet. I don't want him to hate me, Leia. God, it's going to be so awkward. I probably threw myself at him like a desperate—"

"Wait, what do you mean '_probably_'? Do you not remember what happened? I swear, you are the _only_ person I've ever met capable of getting _that_ drunk." Her tone is disapproving, and Jyn can imagine her adorable nose all scrunched up as she rightfully judges her life choices.

"In my defense, I think the bartender was extremely heavy-handed." Leia scoffs at her lame excuse, but Jyn continues as though she hadn’t made a sound, “I remember leaving the bar, and getting soaked from the rain, and then kissing—"

"Awe, I can't believe you _actually_ made a move! I'm so proud." To her credit, Leia does sound proud. Delighted, even. "Was it like that rain scene in _The Notebook_? You know the one."

"Oh, shut up." Jyn grumbles, cheeks flushing. It wasn't, but now she's thinking about it.

Leia laughs, seemingly unbothered by her spiraling, "Jyn, how does this not connect for you? If he kissed you back, if you woke up in his bed, why are you worried—"

"He was drunk. We both were."

"_Ugh_, are you serious? I shouldn't even tell you this, but I'm getting _so_ tired of you guys pining over each other and doing nothing about it. Jyn, for _fucks_ sake, Cassian has told me himself that he—"

The train lurches to a halt, and the chatter around her rises as people stand and push to the open doors. She'll never be able to hear Leia over this. "I've got to go. I'll call you later tonight, okay?" She hangs up before Leia can respond, dumping her phone back into her bag as she stands. She really wasn't in the mood for a 'face your feelings' peptalk. She wants silence and something warm to drink. And chocolate. Definitely chocolate.

Jyn picks up a box of earl grey and a candy bar at the bodega around the corner from her apartment, fully intending to soothe her internal emotional wounds with hot tea, Thai takeout, and Netflix. She'd originally wanted to stop by _Rogue_ _One_ and visit with Chirrut and Baze, but as she'd passed the restaurant all she could think about was sitting with Cassian at their usual corner booth, talking about music and books and politics and—no, best to keep walking and see them later. When she wasn't a steaming pile of torched nerves.

God, she'd had sex with _Cassian_. She's thought of it before, fantasized even, but the fact that it's now actually happened and she doesn't even get the reward of the memories? Unfair. She wonders what kind of lover he is; gentle, or rough? She's always liked a bit of both. Would he worship her, or whisper filth? (Great, now she's thinking of that _Notebook_ rain kiss _and_ obscene Spanish being rasped into her ear). She touches a gentle finger to her lips; raw from his mouth and stubble. How was she ever supposed to kiss anyone else now, knowing what Cassian tastes like?

After a cup of tea and a hot shower, Jyn collapses onto her couch, head lolling back. Her eyes flutter shut, and she's daydreaming about the Thai noodles she's going to gorge on for lunch when her phone chimes. She sighs heavily. Leia never knew when to quit. When she picks it up and glances lazily at the screen, her heart drops all the way to the floor. It's a message from Cassian.

**Cassian :)** [Saturday 11:17 am]

We should talk. Meet me at RO for dinner at 7?

Jyn drops her phone after rereading the message at least twelve times, slides from a sitting position to lay across the couch. She stares up at the ceiling, much like earlier that morning. What can she say?

_Sorry, would love to chat but I'll probably just cry and confess that I've been in love with you for years. Raincheck?_

As if that would go over well. He was _dating_, and _of course_ he was dating, Cassian was beautiful and charming and clever and that accent—

Jyn sighs, throwing an arm over her eyes. It did her no good to agonize over his private life, or his attractive qualities, but she couldn't just leave him without an answer either, not after she'd bailed on him. She picks her phone back up, pursing her lips in thought. The blank message laughs cruelly at her.

Finally, she gives up, types word vomit.

**Me** [Saturday 11:24 pm]

Can't. So busy today. Totally swamped. Loads of work to do.

Jyn blanches. He was going to see right through that. He was well aware she did absolutely nothing but vegetate on Saturdays. She was such an idiot—

He reads her message before she can exit the thread, and she holds her breath as she watches the ellipses start, then stop, start again, then stop. Eventually he gives up on responding to her pathetic text, not that she blames him. Still, she drops her phone to her chest in disappointment, huffing at the ceiling.

Already, she can feel the disconnect between them, and it was all her fault.

—

Jyn spends the rest of the day on the couch, trying (and failing) not to think of how Cassian would normally be there with her on a Saturday, her feet in his lap while they binge _Star Trek_. She checks her phone obsessively throughout the day, and just once she catches him typing, right as she's getting into bed.

Her heart soars; he was thinking about her, too. She stares at the jumping ellipses, chest tight. They disappear after a few minutes, and a message never comes. Crestfallen, she clicks her screen off, drops her phone facedown onto her bed. She wants so badly to talk to him, but after her earlier text... if she could bleach her brain, she would.

Her bed feels strangely empty as she tosses and turns, though she rarely has anyone else in it. She's had lovers and some not-so-serious boyfriends the last few years, but none of them had ever seemed to measure up to her huge unrequited crush on Cassian, so she'd just about all but given up. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been on an actual date, or the last time she'd even had the desire to date. She couldn't picture herself with anyone in the future, either, not after the way Cassian had kissed her last night; lingering and heady. She can't get it out of her head. If he knew he'd completely besotted her, she'd die of embarrassment.

Jyn wonders if he's thinking about it like she is. He'd seemed just as eager, but maybe he'd been drunker than she'd thought. Come to think of it, she'd been so wrapped up in her bitterness that she hadn't even bothered to ask why Cassian himself seemed to have been drinking quite a bit more than usual. She really was the worst friend.

He normally handles his liquor much better than her, so he could probably fill in her blanks, but then she'd have to talk to him about it, would have to sit and listen while he told her he cared for her, but not like that, that he was just drunk, that it was a mistake. That they'd crossed a line they can never come back from. She turns onto her side, curling into her blankets. He would be kind about it, he would apologize, and she can't take that. She just can't.

She sighs heavily. How had this even happened?

Reaching into her sheets where her phone had fallen, she pulls it back out, opening her and Leia's message thread. Her friend hadn't said a word since Jyn had abruptly hung up on her in the subway that morning, and she felt a little guilty for that, too, but this one was easily fixable. She presses the call button, waits for Leia to answer. When she does, her "hello?" is quiet and groggy.

Jyn grimaces, "I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

"Yeah, but it's alright. I'm supposed to be waiting up for Han to call. You okay, Jyn?"

Jyn's fingers flex in her sheets, the 'I'm fine' already locked and loaded, but she can't say it. Deflating, she's silent for a long while, Leia's even, patient breathing on the other end of the line relaxing her, "No," she finally sighs, "no, I'm not."

"When you told me you were going to confess, I didn't think—"

Jyn pales, almost drops her phone. _Drunk!Jyn, you fucking traitor,_ "Wait, what?"

"You don't remember _that_ either? Christ, Jyn, how much did you drink last night?"

She shrugs, not that Leia can see it, mostly because she has no idea, and really doesn't want to check her bank account to find out, "I stopped keeping track after Cassian waxed poetic about how well his date had gone."

He hadn't really, though. He'd actually been pretty mild about it, only mentioning it once. She was the one that had been stuck on it; wondering where they'd gone and what they'd talked about and how he'd met her and why hadn't he told her, all of it tumbling around in her head over and over until she had no choice but to drink, and drink, and drink.

Leia sighs, "Oh, Jyn. It was just one date. It doesn't have to mean anything. I know he would pick you, I _know_ it." She says it earnestly, like she wholeheartedly believes it.

Jyn doesn't. He would never pick her, damaged as she was, and she couldn't blame him for it. She wishes she could be like Leia, honest and loving, _hopeful,_ but she wasn't. She was just Jyn; jaded and mouthy and proud. More and more, she was feeling that maybe it just wasn't meant for her; romance, true love. Did such a thing even exist? What she felt for Cassian; it was so consuming that she thought it _had_ to be true, or was it only true when it was reciprocated? Was she to be cursed with loving a beautiful man from afar for all eternity?

Jyn grimaces, tucks away the insecurities to be revisited at a later date, and instead changes the subject, "You said I told you I was going to confess?"

"Yeah, in the bathroom. You were crying—"

"_Ugh_."

Leia laughs, that tinkling sound that always makes Jyn laugh, too. Just not tonight. She starts fidgeting, resisting the urge to tear her nails to shreds as Leia starts telling the story of watching her duck into the bathroom while wiping at her cheeks, and more of the night before starts to shift into place.

Jyn remembers standing at the sink, absently fixing her wild fringe in the mirror. Resting bitch face, scar on her chin, plain mouse brown hair. She's never really given a shit about what people thought of her, but right now she finds herself wondering what Cassian sees when he looks at her, and if he liked what he saw.

Sometimes she thinks he might; when they're at the bar waiting for their turn to order drinks and she grips his arm, standing on her tiptoes to say something in his ear. He'll turn to her, eyes falling to her lips for half a second before he'll chuckle at whatever joke she'd told, or when she falls asleep on the couch during a movie, her top riding up as she shifts around. She'll stand and straighten her clothes when she wakes, then turn to find him lingering on her legs before he flicks his gaze back to the television. It always gives her a little thrill, a little hope that maybe, just maybe, he felt the pull, too. Then nothing will happen, and he'll be a perfect gentleman, and she'll have to pretend she isn't dying to climb into his lap and have her way.

He was _dating,_ and she was lusting, and pining, and thinking about him almost every waking moment—

Leia comes into the bathroom just then, meeting Jyn's eyes in the mirror. "Hey, are you hiding? What's the matter?" She is painfully sympathetic, brows knit together in concern, and Jyn's frown tightens, gaze lowering to the sink as she turns on the tap and starts furiously scrubbing her hands. She has no business crying over Cassian and the fact that he was dating, but her eyes sting anyway.

Jyn swallows roughly, "Nothing. I'm fine." They both ignore the crack in her voice as she dries her hands, looking at anything but Leia.

The truth: she loves Cassian and has loved Cassian for a long time now, and try as she might to stuff it down, to ignore it, she can't. It's a constant dull hum in the back of her head, an ache in her bones. More truth: she's a coward, and will never be able to look him in the eye and say it for the fear of being laughed off, turned away. She's accepted her fate; having pieces of him was better than having none of him at all. She'd be damned if she ruined the one place she could call home over pesky _feelings,_ of all things. She was a grown woman, damn it. She could control herself.

(Though, more and more lately, she's not so sure. The pounding of her heart in her ears and the racing of her pulse when he was near were getting harder and harder to ignore. Many times, the last few months, she'd found herself dreaming up ways to say it: _you changed my life. I need you. None of this will be worth anything if I'm not with you_. Not that any of it mattered now. He was _dating_.)

Leia's shoulder brushes hers as she fusses with her hair, "Jyn, come on. I know when you're upset." She says, gentle.

Jyn steps back from the sink, paces behind Leia. Her head spins under the shite fluorescent lighting, and she finally throws her hands up in exasperation. _Fine,_ she's upset. There was no point in denying it, especially to Leia. She's upset Cassian is dating and he's not dating her. He's probably out there right now wondering what her deal is, and he's going to be concerned when she comes back, like the proper best friend he is, and then she'll have to lie to him about it. _Again._

It had been easier in the beginning when she could brush it off as just being attracted to him. It wasn't her fault he was fine like wine, she'd told herself when she'd started noticing that she was a little hung up on him. Three years later, she's aware that it's so much more than that, and she has a hard time keeping the beating of her impossible heart quiet around him, keeping her hand from reaching out for his when they walk side by side, keeping her eyes to herself when his sleeves are rolled to his elbows.

"He doesn't owe me anything, he doesn't even know that I—that I feel—I know I have no right to be angry with him, but I am. Does that make me a terrible person?" Jyn is rarely outwardly fretful, choosing instead to spiral in silence, but now she chews a nail, frown etched so deeply she's afraid she'll be stuck like that forever.

"Oh, Jyn, of course not." Leia's arms fold around her, and she allows herself a small moment to be vulnerable, pressing her face into her friend's shoulder. If a few tears slip out, she hopes Leia doesn't notice. Even if she does, Jyn trusts that she wouldn't tell. If Cassian ever found out she was hiding in a dive bar bathroom crying over him, she'd fake her own death and move across the galaxy.

In her ear, Leia says, "All it means is that the great Jyn Erso has a heart, just like the rest of us." It's meant to be comforting, to make her laugh, but it just makes her teeth grind together. If she could rip Cassian out of her chest and cut the tendrils he's slid into her empty spaces she would.

"I don't want it." Jyn sniffs miserably, voice muffled by Leia's shoulder. What has love done, besides let her down time and time again? She couldn't remember a time in her life that her heart wasn't broken; dead mother, dead father(s), plus the usual surplus of abandonment issues and unhealthy coping mechanisms, all that baggage stacked so tall she'll never be able see the top of it. She was tired of being left behind, of looking like a fool. Now, she has learned to leave first, to never give all of herself, to not make promises. She's protected her heart maybe a little too much, and out of spite it seemed, it had given itself to the one person she's terrified to lose. What a cosmic joke. Every man who's tried to know her, tried to love her, runs away all but screaming in the end—except for Cassian; but if he let her, she's sure she'd find some way to ruin that, too.

Leia's hands come to rest on her shoulders, and Jyn pulls back, sniffing once more as she wipes at her eyes. Leia squeezes her, smiling softly, "I think it's a bit too late to stop it now. I know you're scared. Love is terrifying, and miserable, and beautiful, and—oh, Jyn, aren't you tired of your heart aching? If you don't tell him, you'll regret it for the rest of your life." Leia suddenly looks sad, a rarity. "I don't want that for you." She adds after a moment of searching Jyn's eyes, lips thinning. Jyn frowns drunkenly, pats the hands resting on her shoulders in comfort.

She knows Leia is right, has known for some time now. She's been avoiding it as long as possible. What had she thought? That he'd be alone forever, that she'd never have to worry about him falling in love, marrying, having a family? Is that something he even wanted? Three years, she'd never thought to ask. Maybe it was too close to the truth for her.

_Do you want that? Do I want that? Maybe. If it's with you._

She felt as though she couldn’t bear a life without Cassian, even if all she would ever be to him was a friend, but she couldn’t go on like this either, all her love on the tip of her tongue whenever she looks at him. There's so much of it she's surprised she hasn't exploded by now, surprised that he hasn't caught on yet. He was either the most oblivious man, or she was becoming a master at withdrawing and hiding pieces of herself. She's not sure which is worse.

If she tells him the truth, and he rejects her, then at least she had tried following her foolish, irresponsible heart. At least she had been honest. With herself, and him. It was probably a terrible, idiotic idea, but a tiny, almost unnoticeable part of her whispers: _what_ _if_? What if he feels it, too? It was now, or never, and Leia was right: if she didn't ever just say it, she would regret it for the rest of her days.

Sober!Jyn was probably never going to drink again, but the whiskey makes her bold, so she straightens, setting her chin, "I'm going to tell him. Tonight."

Leia's eyes widen, head shaking slightly, "Err, shouldn't you wait until you're a little less... inebriated?"

"Are you kidding? This is the perfect time. If he laughs in my face, at least I won't feel it until the morning."

"I never should have let you go." Leia is saying in the present, "I thought you were sad drunk, not amnesia-inducing drunk. I can't believe you've forgotten all of this. Now everything is a flaming pile of shit."

"Not us." Jyn interjects, helpfully.

"No," Leia agrees, smile in her voice, "not us." Jyn hears the click of laptop keys over the line, an unfamiliar sitcom's opening song playing quietly. "Has he tried to talk to you?"

"He asked to meet for dinner. I flaked. My response was cringe-worthy. You'd get second-hand embarrassment."

Leia snorts, "You are completely hopeless."

"I don't know what to say. Nothing I can think of feels like enough to describe how I—" She breaks off, sighing at herself, "I'm just not good at this."

"Why don't you start with 'Cassian, I love your forearms in those button-ups, it makes my girlhood tremble—"

"Oh my _god_, you're gross. I'm hanging up." Jyn's cheeks burn, a rare giggle escaping her as Leia laughs. She ends the call, smile fading as she stares up at the ceiling.

She wishes she had stayed that morning, laid beside Cassian for a little while longer, just to watch his chest rise and fall as he slept. If it was to be the last time that she was so close to him, she should have cherished it. Frowning, she leans over to set her phone on the nightstand. If she holds it for a second longer, she'll break and call him. She rolls onto her stomach, pressing her face into her pillow. She's hoping for sleep, but all she gets is the empty feeling of the room seeping into her bones.

—

The next day, there's a knock at her door around noon. Jyn freezes where she's standing in the kitchen, slicing tomatoes at the counter.

It was either Leia or Cassian, and she was looking forward to precisely _neither_ of them. Leia would be willing to listen to her Feelings vomit, and give her good advice she wouldn't follow, Cassian would probably rip her heart from her chest and stomp on it; if he was outside the door, she's not even sure she would open it.

_Yikes, Jyn._

(She hadn't heard from him since the day before, not that she was counting the hours or anything. Absolutely not.)

Jyn checks the peephole, mouth stretching into a beaming smile when she realizes who it is on the other side of the door. She throws it open, "Bodhi!" She cries happily, surging forward and wrapping her arms around his middle, hugging him tightly.

He stumbles back a bit, laughing lightly, "Hey, Jyn." He greets, arms wrapping around her back. He's been on an out of the country backpacking trip with Leia's twin brother Luke for the last two months, something about Luke needing to re-center his chi, whatever that meant. She hadn't been expecting him back for another few weeks at least. Not that she was complaining, Bodhi was the sweetest person she'd ever met. There was no one she trusted more, save for Cassian. She frowns at herself; she can't make it five minutes without her thoughts turning to him.

Jyn extracts herself from Bodhi, waves him in then turns away so he doesn't see her pained grimace as she walks back into the kitchen. He follows, leaning up against the counter beside her as she resumes preparing her lunch. She offers him a slice, says, "You're back early." conversationally.

"We just got back this morning. I stopped at RO for breakfast. Saw Cassian there, but not you. What's up with that?"

Jyn purses her lips, wipes her hands on a towel after finishing the last tomato. She drops the knife into the sink, digs in the fridge for a bag of greens, Bodhi's eyes burning into her the whole time. "Uh, nothing." She finally says, absently as if she has no idea what he's talking about, hoping he'll accept her nonchalant tone, "Nothing is up with that. We do stuff without each other all the time." It was hardly true. She'd been attached to Cassian's hip since they'd met.

Bodhi makes an 'mmm' noise, like he doesn't really believe her.

Jyn pauses, looking at him over her shoulder from where she's crouched in front of the fridge, "Why?" She asks suspiciously, "Do you know something?" If Leia blabbed to Luke, then that meant Luke blabbed to Bodhi—

Bodhi holds his hands up in truce, smile sheepish, "I just know that two people I care about very much are both as stubborn as they are incapable of expressing basic human emotion," he pauses, waits for Jyn to stand and meet his eyes. When she finally does, fridge clicking shut behind her, his gentle gaze goes right through her, always able to see her truth, "even when they're completely miserable without each other. You guys have got to figure this out, and soon. It's weird. I don't want to have to pick sides."

Jyn blinks in surprise, "No one is asking you to pick sides, Bodhi. There are no sides. Just because Cassian and I are—" What exactly are they doing? Not talking, that was for sure, and of course, it was her fault. "Just because we're spending time apart right now doesn't mean anything."

He gives her a 'seriously?' look before snatching a handful of shredded cheese from the bag on the counter. She shoos him away, and after chewing a moment, he asks, "What do you think is going to happen if you guys can't sort this? Everything is going to change."

"If I just give it a couple of days—"

"Jyn, you might as well completely cut each other out if you're never going to face what's between you."

Angry tears prick at Jyn's eyes, and she turns away from him, opening a cupboard and reaching for a salad bowl. She drops it with a heavy thunk onto the counter. Completely cut each other out? Is that what Cassian wants? His radio silence suddenly takes on a whole new meaning. Dread pools in her belly. What if the last thing she ever gets to say to him is her trainwreck of a text to him the day before?

"I didn't mean for any of this to happen." She mutters, sniffling.

"I know that, Jyn," Bodhi says gently, "but you should have seen him. He looked sad."

Jyn snorts, disbelieving, "Cassian doesn't _ever_ look sad. Bored, maybe, but never sad."

"For you he does." Bodhi puts a hand on her shoulder, and she turns, leaning her head into his chest.

"I made a right mess out of everything." She says woefully into his sweater, and he rubs her arm in comfort.

"I don't think it's quite as messy as you're making it out to be." Bodhi says, the hint of a smile in his voice, "Either way, you can still fix it. Cassian would do anything for you, Jyn. You know that."

She nods against Bodhi's chest. She did know that. He'd proven it time and time again, but could he forgive her for this? For kissing him, and sleeping with him, and then abandoning him like it all meant nothing? All of this for sex she can't even remember. Sex that was probably mind blowing and toe curling and cosmic and—

Jyn pulls back from Bodhi, tries to smile. She hasn't seen him in ages, she doesn't want to spend the whole time talking about her failure of a love life. "Let's have lunch, yeah? I'm starving." Her cheerful tone is weak, but he looks at her sort of fondly, like he appreciates her effort.

Bodhi nods, recognizing she wants to change the subject, and reaches for his own salad bowl while Jyn goes back to the fridge, rummaging for the ranch dressing.

They spend the next few hours catching up, but somehow the conversation always winds back to Cassian, to Jyn's annoyance. She knows Bodhi is trying to help, but it only stresses her out, has her glancing at her phone every three seconds.

She still hasn't heard a word from him. She'd sort of expected a message at some point today; he hardly ever made it longer than a day and a half being upset with her. Logically, she knows he's probably just waiting for her to come to her senses and act like an adult, but really, out of the two of them, it's laughable to think that _she_ would be the mature one.

She was the one with the escapist tendencies, the drama, the one with the void-like heart; anything sucked into her orbit gets spit back out singed and tar black. She'd burned him too, as unintentional as it was. She'd wanted to drunkenly confess her love and take the pain of the rejection like the average, functional person, not this.

If it was any other fight, she'd have already marched to his door and demanded that he get over himself and stop pretending she didn't exist. In this case, she's not exactly sure who's pretending the other doesn't exist. Was this even a fight? Or were they just going to fizzle out, and never speak again? Years of friendship washed down the drain for a night she can barely remember. Leia was right; love _was_ terrifying and miserable.

Bodhi seems to sense her withdrawing, and hugs her tightly once more before promising to meet her and Leia at RO for Taco Tuesday. He doesn't mention Cassian going, which she's grateful for. It was completely within his right to show up to their weekly gathering, but the thought of sitting beside him in the cramped booth with all of their other friends—now including Bodhi and Luke since they were back in the country, which also meant Han would start showing back up again—makes her want to start pounding tequila shots. If Han caught one whiff of awkwardness between her and Cassian—nope. She refuses to even think about it.

After Bodhi leaves, Jyn whips her phone out of her pocket, furiously texting Leia.

**Me** [Sunday 3:22 pm]

U TOLD LUKE? HOW DARE U? I JUST TALKED ABOUT MY FEELINGS WITH BODHI FOR 3 HOURS

**Leia O.** [Sunday 3:26 pm]

Sorry :((( it's a twin thing I literally can't help it

**Leia O.** [Sunday 3:28 pm]

Also, you talked about your feelings? You're doing amazing, sweetie

Jyn groans, tossing her phone away and pressing her face into the couch cushion.

—

Monday, work crawls by agonizingly slow. Her feet tap restlessly, and she clicks her pen obnoxiously, a coworker eventually leaning around the wall of his cubicle to glare at her.

"Sorry." she mouths, sheepish. She turns back to her computer, types gibberish into a word document instead of working on her quarterly report. Office work was dreadful. The only way she'd been able to stand it for so long was the easy money, and Cassian's company. He'd send her interest articles, little anecdotes about his day, maybe a new song or movie he'd discovered, but today?

Nothing. Crickets.

Jyn sighs, considers smashing her face down onto her keyboard. Her only saving grace was Leia, as usual; they'd been in neck in neck on _Words With Friends_ for an hour now. As if on cue, her phone chimes, notifying her that Leia's played her word.

Jyn opens the app, immediately scoffs.

Leia had played 'denial'.

Eyes narrowing, Jyn opens the game chat, sends: _fuck you I am not,_ and a middle finger emoji.

Leia replies: _you're projecting. guilty conscience much?_ Then a moment later: _if the shoe fits love xoxo_

She doesn't bother responding, instead plays the word 'snake'.

Leia replies to the chat again: _rude_

When she's finally free for the day, Jyn showers and changes into her most comfortable clothes, intent on a nap. She almost passes over the shirt she'd stolen from Cassian sometime last year when she's changing—can't help but think about the one she'd been wearing a few days before in his bed—but she doesn't, pulling it out and shimmying into it (if anyone accuses her of gripping the collar and pressing it to her nose to see if it still smells like him, she will absolutely deny it). After, she scrolls absently through Netflix, passing all the shows her and Cassian are in the middle of watching.

Before this, she's never really paid attention to how closely his life entwines with hers. Now that he was gone, she felt his absence everywhere. Her phone, her couch, the space beside her always unoccupied. It had only been three days since they'd last spoken, and she was already a wreck.

Bodhi had said it was fixable. Was it? What if he was happier without her, and that's why he hasn't tried to contact her? It was as if her worst fears had come to life. Had she underestimated her importance to him this whole time? Maybe she'd twisted her feelings and their friendship together, and had seen what she'd wanted to see.

_That's rubbish, and you know it._

Jyn sighs, sinking lower into the couch, the sweet sounds of _Parks and Recreation_ filling her living room. She tries to pay attention, she really does, but her eyes keep flicking back to her phone, as if a text will come through out of sheer will alone.

_Oh, you coward, just do it yourself._

She makes it halfway through another episode before she gives up, reaching for her phone. She opens their thread, tries to think of something clever to say before shaking her head. She wanted his voice, the comfort that only Cassian on the other end of the line could bring. She presses the call button before she can talk herself out of it, teeth digging into her lower lip in anticipation. _Please answer please answer please—_

The call cuts straight to voicemail. He'd forwarded her.

As if burned, Jyn drops her phone. He'd never had the audacity to forward her before. Maybe he was busy. He'd probably call back if she waited, he always did. What could he possibly be occupied with, anyway? It was late. Surely he was off of work, at home grading papers or planning lessons?

Maybe he just didn't want to talk to her.

Jyn slumps at that, sullenly curling her arms around herself. What if he was out with that girl, the one he'd planned on seeing again? Something wraps around her heart, clenching until her chest feels numb and she struggles to draw a full breath.

(She stays awake far later than she should, waiting. He never calls.)

—

After work on Tuesday, Leia meets Jyn at the subway station around the corner from her apartment, and they walk to RO together, Leia grumbling about a tiff she'd gotten into just a few minutes before with Han. Apparently, he'd convinced Luke to ditch Taco Tuesday and join him for laser tag instead.

Jyn calls him a wastoid, and Leia starts laughing as she pushes RO's door open, nineties music and the low hum of constant chatter instantly greeting them.

Jyn smiles at the young hostess, a sweet girl named Rey. She pauses to chat with her for a moment, giving Leia a weird look when she stops abruptly, back going stiff. She shifts herself, as if to block Jyn's view, "Maybe we should go somewhere else." She says tightly, not turning around, "You know, try something new."

Jyn scoffs, turning away from Rey after giving her an apologetic smile, "Don't be ridiculous. Baze makes some of the best tacos in New York. Why would we—_oh._” As she steps around Leia, her eyes immediately zero in on their usual booth. Already taken, by Cassian and a gorgeous brunette.

It takes her a moment to notice, but Bodhi is there too, and he waves awkwardly at them, looking like he'd love nothing more than to completely disappear as Jyn's eyes narrow into slits. Cassian's head turns, meeting her eyes, expression painfully blank.

God, she's missed him so much, even if he's looking at her like she's a stranger. It hurts, but she stuffs her anger down, tries to smooth her face and hopes it doesn't look too pinched. She's about to lift her hand to wave back; maybe it doesn't have to be awkward, maybe they can—

He turns back to the other woman, continues his conversation without another glance her way. Something strikes her right in the heart, and Leia growls, "What an asshole. He's doing this on purpose." She grabs Jyn's hand, "Come on, we'll go somewhere else."

Jyn shakes her head, dropping her suddenly glassy eyes to the ground, "No, I want to see Chirrut and Baze."

"Oh, honey. There's nothing they can say that will erase your pain." Leia says softly, but she tugs Jyn to a booth far from Cassian's anyway. She forces Jyn to sit with her back to him, and orders two double margaritas when their server approaches the table.

Jyn numbly watches the condensation drip down the side of her glass after her drink is dropped off, and Leia picks apart a napkin as she glares over Jyn's shoulder. "I can't believe he had the audacity to bring her _here,_ and sit at _our_ booth." She growls. "It's just rude. He's trying to hurt you."

"Well, it's working." Jyn says, laughing darkly. She takes a long pull off of her drink, doesn't even wince as the tequila burns down her throat. She may have a problem.

Leia's furiously texting when Jyn looks back up from the table, and she sighs, "Please tell me you're not going off on Cassian."

"Cassian? I don't even know who that is. Never heard that name before. I'm texting Bodhi, that traitor."

"Oh, leave him be. He's soft."

"Well, he could have at least warned us." Leia deflates upon seeing the crestfallen look on Jyn's face, setting her phone down. "I'm gonna go order some tacos, okay?" Jyn nods, though she doesn't have much of an appetite anymore.

Leia leaves to talk to their server at the bar, and Jyn pulls her phone out, opening _Candy Crush_ so she can focus on something besides the burning need to turn around and take a peak at him. She was nothing like that girl with him; elegant, leggy. She was just Jyn; angry, scowling Jyn. She wants to text him; to yell at him? To call him an asshole? To cry? She doesn't know. It wasn't worth it, but it doesn't stop her from closing her game and opening their thread.

Her last embarrassing text to him and the call he'd never answered laugh at her (at least now she knew why he hadn't bothered to pick up), and she shakes her head at herself. What could she even say? She had no claim on him. They'd hooked up, she'd bailed, and he'd gone right back to that date he'd enjoyed so much, as was his right. She was the one in the wrong, she couldn't be mad at him for being happy.

She just wishes that it could be _her_ that made him happy.

Defeated, Jyn exits the thread, goes back to her game. She'll let him have this; she won't make it about her, or them. She'll respect his space and his choices, no matter how hard it was to be so close to him and not have his attention, his gaze.

"Damn it." Jyn growls when she loses her last life, dumping her phone back into her bag just as Leia sits back down, setting a plate piled high with tacos between them.

"Chirrut says they'll come out after the dinner rush. Apparently, Cassian's been to see them twice since Friday. Guess he's not taking the lack of communication so well." Leia says this gleefully, like it serves him right.

"Really? I couldn't tell." Jyn says around a mouthful of hot sauce slathered taco, jabbing her thumb over her shoulder.

Leia waves her off, and says, like it's all very obvious, "He doesn't give a shit about her. Come on, Jyn. Is this the kind of place you'd bring a date you're serious about?"

Jyn glances around, chewing thoughtfully. She's always loved this place. The jukebox, the lanterns strung across the ceiling, the tiny unnecessary purple umbrella Chirrut always puts in her drinks. It wasn't five star worthy, but that hardly mattered to her. "I like it." She shrugs.

Leia shakes her head, smiling ruefully, "You two really are perfect for each other." She leans forward, stealing Jyn's sour cream, pointedly ignoring her eye roll, "Look, I'm just saying that if he gave a crap about her, he wouldn't bring her to _our_ place, and sit at _our_ booth, knowing _you'd_ be coming. He wanted you to see him with her, he wants you to know he's fine. Which means he's really not."

"That... makes no sense."

"Welcome to men, sweets." Leia snorts, "Not one of them make a lick of sense." Jyn laughs at that, loud and genuine. Leia joins her, giggling around a mouthful of taco. "Seriously though, are you okay? I'm guessing you still haven't talked, since he's here with someone else."

"No," Jyn says, eyes falling to the wooden table. She doesn't mention that she'd tried, and he'd ignored her. She runs her finger along a deep groove, makes a face. "but it doesn't even matter. The sex meant nothing, and he's moved on." She's not even sure if there was ever anything to move on from. For him, at least.

"I don't think that's true, Jyn." Leia says gently. "I may be mad as hell at him right now, but I know Cassian cares about you. He's even looking at you right now. Has been for the last few minutes."

Jyn hunches over, ducking her head down, "He is?"

"It's more like gazing, but yeah, he sure is." When Jyn looks back up at Leia, she's flipping him off over her shoulder.

"Leia!" She gasps, horrified and proud all at once.

"What? He knows what he did." But she lowers her hand anyway, shooting Cassian one last glare before picking up another taco. "You know," she says conversationally, "if you'd talked to him when I suggested, you could be married with two point five kids and a dog by now."

Jyn rolls her eyes, and is about to remark that Cassian doesn't care for her like that (clearly) when Chirrut slides into the booth beside her, followed by Baze pulling up a chair at the edge of the table. Her heart soars, it's been ages since she'd last seen them.

"Hello, little sister," Baze greets, "why so glum?" He's got that tone; that shit-eating tone that you'd hardly notice if you didn't know him. Luckily for her, she's well-versed. He knew exactly why.

Chirrut gives him a look that can only be described as a death glare, infinitely more terrifying because of his blindness, "Ignore him." He says, "He lives for all of this drama." Baze snorts, but Chirrut continues as if he hadn't made a sound, "How are you, dear?"

She wants to lean into his shoulder, to have him soothe her and say something zen like "all things happen as they are meant to", which she doesn't believe for a hot second, but honestly, she'll take all the positive energy she can get. Instead, in true Jyn Erso fashion, she says, anticlimactically, "I'm fine, really."

Leia frowns, aggressively stirring her margarita. She spears her with a sharp glare, and honestly, it's pretty good. Jyn smiles weakly, lifting a shoulder. "She is _not_ fine, Chirrut. She's clearly overcompensating."

"I agree." Chirrut says easily.

"_Hey_!" Jyn protests, "I am totally fine. _Totally_.” She shoots him a sidelong 'I can't believe you're on her side' look, which he obviously doesn't see, but his smirk makes her wonder.

"Oh?" Leia says, lifting one slender brow, arms crossing over her chest. "So it's _totally fine_ that Cassian just left with this month's _Sports Illustrated_ cover-girl?" She nods to the window, and against her better judgement, Jyn's head turns to follow her gaze.

Cassian and the girl are walking side by side, in the direction of his apartment; she's laughing, hand on his elbow, he's probably being charming. It's almost picturesque. Her stomach twists itself into tight knots, but somehow, she can't make herself look away. She watches until his back is barely a dot in the distance, all but forgetting that there are three other people sitting with her.

Four, as Bodhi slides into the booth beside Leia. "I am _so_ glad that's over. Sorry, guys. I had no idea he was even coming, let alone bringing a girl. I felt so guilty sitting over there."

"As you should." Leia grumbles, even as she passes him the last taco. "You're supposed to be Team Jyn."

Jyn groans comically at that, slumps over in her seat. Chirrut lays a comforting hand on her shoulder, "Oh, to be young again." He sighs dreamily, only half-mocking, sharing a knowing look with Baze, who grins that For Chirrut Only grin in agreement. 

"I changed my mind. It's not fine." Jyn laments, loudly dropping her head onto the table. "I need another double." She says into the wood, voice muffled.

"You don't say, and _no_." Leia says sardonically, completely unimpressed.

—

That night, as she's just drifting off to sleep, her phone vibrates against her leg. Grumbling, she searches the sheets for it, ready to rip whoever was disturbing her at such an ungodly hour a new—

**Cassian :)** [Tuesday 11:57 pm]

Are you still up?

Jyn bites her lip, pressing her phone to her chin in thought. Before she can read too much into his message, or decide if she's even going to reply, her phone vibrates repeatedly against her face, making her jump. He's calling now, and she stares at his name flashing across her screen in horror, clamming up. She agonizes over answering versus not for too long, and the calls ends. A moment later, her phone buzzes again. He'd left a voicemail. She rolls her eyes, he was the only person on the planet that still bothered.

She opens the notification, stares at the message with apprehension. He wouldn't be able to decimate her completely in only twenty seconds, would he? Of course, he hadn't said a word to her at RO earlier and she still felt hollow, somehow. Like he'd knocked the wind out her. Her heart hasn't sat quite right since. She wishes she could rip it from her chest, fling it from a rooftop and watch it splat on the ground, taking all her want for Cassian with it.

She stares for another minute before deciding: _fuck it._ She presses play, letting his quiet voice fill her room. "Hey, Jyn, I don't know if you're actually ignoring me or not but—I just wanted to say... I'm sorry. For everything. For tonight, and Friday, too. Please call me back, we really need to talk."

Jyn listens three more times, analyzing every change of tone, every breath. Bodhi had been right; he sounded sad. Lonely, even. She doesn't quite know what to make of that. She hasn't heard his voice in days; it stirs inside of her, and she wishes for the smallest moment that she'd answered, that he was still in her ear. She sighs heavily, petulantly dropping her head back onto her pillow.

What was he sorry for, anyway? For kissing her, for sleeping with her? She doesn't know if she'll survive hearing him actually say the words. The pain in her chest surges, and she knows she's going to crumble when she finally has to face him. A thousand scenarios play-out in her head, each as gut-wrenching as the last. He'd look her dead in the eye, maybe with pity, maybe he'd take her hand, and say as gently as possible: 'It's not you, it's me', or 'I care about you, but only as a friend', or 'it was a drunken mistake', or her least favorite to ruminate over: 'I'm seeing someone now'.

Would she really shatter if he didn't want her, or was that a myth?

Jyn snorts into the darkness of her room. It was exhausting, sulking all the time. What did it matter, anyway? She'd gotten the message loud and clear earlier that night, watching him walk away with that gorgeous woman. He'd wanted her to see, and she had. She has no delusions about the possibility of 'them' anymore. All hope, what little she'd had anyway, had left the building.

What had Bodhi said?

_You might as well completely cut each other out if you're never going to face what's between you._

Jyn has no desire to ever broach the subject of what happened that night with him, has no desire to watch him date and pretend to be happy for him. If she was stronger, maybe it would be possible, but now she felt he was too deep in her heart. Too close to her soul.

She had seen this coming, long ago when she'd first looked at him and felt a stirring, an itch pushing her to unnecessarily loop her arm through his as they walk, an ache that had her drunkenly calling him at two am to sing that he was her very best friend, and she'd be lost without him, the 'I love you' she's dying to share so close to being said. She had known it would eventually bring about the end. How could it not? Hell, she's surprised she'd made it this long without completely torching everything between them, as was her custom. Cassian always laughed at her when she said things like that, said she was her own worst enemy.

Maybe it was true. It didn't change anything.

With time and distance, she would be able to untangle herself from him. Her pre-Cassian life had been quiet and painfully colorless, and she had ached, but not like this; empty void in her chest, yearning for something that would never belong to her. She had ached for her mother and father and Saw, missed them every second of everyday, had wished they were there to guide her as she stumbled her way through life, but she'd endured that, and had made her peace with it. They would always be with her, and she was willing to embrace that pain for them, but Cassian? He was still here, still living and breathing and there for her to touch—but not. He was completely unobtainable, and she couldn't stomach it any longer.

Her phone vibrates where she'd dropped it on her stomach, and her breath catches. She almost doesn't look, but her curiosity gets the better of her.

**Cassian :)** [Wednesday 12:09 am]

I can't stand you being mad at me.

Jyn exhales. She wasn't. She wasn't mad. She was just tired; all this energy wasted on trying to resist the pull she felt to him, like she had no center of gravity if he wasn't nearby to steady her. Her fingers hover over the keyboard and she chews on her lip, mulling over what to say.

She types: _I can't stand that you're not here with me._ Deletes it. Types: _I don't want you to be with someone else._ Deletes it. Types: _I'm not. I miss you. I love you._ Deletes it.

In the end, she leaves his message unanswered, stuffing her phone under her pillow, out of sight out of mind. She was going to seal Pandora's box tight and throw away the key. She was the girl who left before she could be left, and she would put these flames out before they burned her entire house down. This is what she tells herself, and she waits, expecting it to soothe the gaping wound in her chest, but it doesn't. If anything, she feels it start to fester.

When she drifts off, she dreams of fingers dancing along her sides, a low-pitched moan in her ear. A breath across her nipples, her stomach clenching in anticipation. Lips on her skin; traveling from her collar bone, to the valley between her breasts, to the soft flesh of her belly, crawling down and down and down.

She shoots up in bed an hour before her alarm, her pajamas soaked to her skin, heart skittering in her chest. For a second, reality and the dream blur, and she half expects to find him there beside her, hair tousled from sleep, warm hand wrapped around her hip. His side of the bed, or what could be, is cold and empty. She pushes the sweaty hair from her face, flops back down onto her pillows, stares at the ceiling until her alarm starts trilling.

After she's done getting ready, she sits on the edge of her bed for far longer than she should if she's wanting to get to work on time, but she can't bring herself to care. Her stomach is tied in knots; there would be no banter with Cassian today, no attempts to coordinate their lunch breaks. Another long, dreadfully dull day without him. Fighting a sigh, she allows herself one more minute to wallow before giving her entire body a good shake. _Get a grip, Erso._

The entire day, she feels like she's walking around with stones tied to her feet, dragging her down, hunching her shoulders. Stubbornly, she resists the burning urge to call him back, to check his location when she notices it's time for his half hour break.

Leia texts, Bodhi texts, but she ignores them both. She's pining so much she's annoying herself, she can't imagine how much she'll annoy them when she inevitably waxes poetic about how much she misses him, and how the hole in her chest seems to get impossibly wider each hour that passes without him.

_Ugh_. When had she become such a sap?

Disgusted with herself, she bends her nose back over her keyboard, banishing any inkling of Cassian from her mind. She's grown, and she's survived much worse than a man that didn't love her the way she loved him.

This would not break her. She wouldn't let it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I stared at this any longer it would never go up. I hope you all enjoy and thank you to everyone who commented and left kudos. You’re appreciated more than you know!

The rest of the week endlessly drags on as Jyn isolates herself from her friends, dodging texts and phone calls as they come, living on a diet of crackers and iced coffee due to the constant anxious flipping in her stomach. She doesn’t even bother attempting to hide the bags under her eyes. What did she care if she looked a hot mess? Everyone knew why, everyone but Cassian.

She’d never suffered a worse heartache. As pathetic as it was, if allowed, she’d wallow in bed for the next millennia and never speak to another soul again. It was entirely unlike her. Everything she saw when she left her apartment was colorless, useless, not Cassian. All she could think to do was go ghost. She didn’t want anyone to see her as bitter as an old, heartbroken maid. It was hardly a flattering look. Thankfully, it wasn't too unsual for her to disappear for a few days every once in awhile, but Cassian had always been there to field the calls and concerns of their friends. Yet another thing she hadn't really appreciated when she'd had it.

Pre-Cassian, it would have been nothing to her to disappear forever and pop up in another city, lead a different life, change herself to adapt to her new surroundings. Now? Now she has people to miss, friends that care for her. He really had opened so many doors for her without her ever realizing, and she’d ripped through everything like a spiked wrecking ball in thanks.

She feels unbearably guilty pointedly ignoring everyone, especially Leia, though she thinks they'd understand if she took the time to explain, and she would, of course. Just not yet. She just doesn't feel like talking; about Cassian, about how she feels, about anything. All the words she’d say are written on the ceiling she stares up at every night; all the flaws and feelings and fears. Before this, when the dark crept a little too close, and the only thing she could think of to do was withdraw from everyone and everything, she’d curl onto her side, press her cheek to her phone after dialing Cassian. He’d always answered, bringing her back down to Earth as easily as he breathed. She hadn’t felt alone since she’d met him. Now, she wasn’t even sure he’d read a text from her.

That was the worst part. Not the mortification of the drunken tryst she can’t remember, but the loss of the one person she’d never doubted. It was exhausting, always wanting to turn to him; for comfort, for a laugh or a shared eye-roll when Han said something stupid, for those late nights on the couch with her feet in his lap, Cassian asking, “If you could go anywhere, where would you go?”, dark eyes hooded and shadowed under the lone lamplight. She’d been struck by her attraction to him, and had said something lame like Paris, or Rome, when really, she’d been thinking—I’d go nowhere but just a little closer to you.

Jyn keeps herself busy during work hours, plugging earphones in and losing herself in long winded podcasts, eyes glued to her computer screen instead of her phone. She eats in the break room instead of meeting Cassian wherever he’d stopped for lunch, reads the news instead of asking him what the fuck was going on in the world because he’d give her the condensed, need-to-know version.

It felt like there was this sprawling black hole in her life, the spot Cassian had left, or had she forced him out herself? She couldn’t tell anymore, all she knows is it creeps closer and closer, like twisted vines wrapping tight around her ankles, shattering her bones to keep her tethered to the void. Time is relief, Chirrut would say, but she’s not so sure. It felt like she’d never recover. Nevertheless, she somehow manages to scrape by during the daylight hours. That’s what she’s always done, scrape by like a cockroach after a nuclear bomb.

At night, there is nothing she can do to keep the absence of him at bay. It keeps her awake until the early morning hours, has her tossing and turning in her sheets until she collapses on the couch cradling a cup of coffee, abandoning all hope of sleep for the night. She’s spent more time pep-talking herself in the last week than she had her entire life.

It was always _come on, you silly girl. You’re better than this_ and _don’t call him don’t call him DON’T call him for the love of everything_ and Chirrut’s favorite line of bullshit _this too shall pass_. None of it makes her feel any better, none of it eases the weight of the heavy stone on her back, dragging her to the worst and darkest depths and holding her there. Sometimes she wonders if this was how Atlas felt, all the suffering and pain in the world on his shoulders. An unjust punishment for him, but maybe she deserved this; for all the boys she’s chewed up and spit out, all the lies she’s told and the sneering she’s done, the empty spaces she’d left in the people she’s abandoned over the course of her life.

Karma really was a fucking bitch.

By Friday, Jyn’s itching for a release, and that night she finally responds to Leia's two day old messages.

**Me** [Friday 7:42 pm]

Drinks tonight? 

Half an hour later, Leia gets back to her.

**Leia O. **[Friday 8:12 pm]

Can't, had to bring work home with me :((( Tomorrow?

**Me** [Friday 8:14 pm]

Course. Sorry I've been MIA lately. Just dealing

She doesn't add 'and not well', but she's sure Leia knows anyway.

**Leia O.** [Friday 8:17 pm]

It's alright. We all understand. Take all the time you need. Go out tonight, dance a little, have fun. It'll be good for you

**Leia O.** [Friday 8:19 pm]

And for the love of god please call me if you drink too much

...

The night is dull, and Jyn regrets going out the moment she steps off of the subway, but she trudges on anyway, refusing to waste her good bangs and the minuscule effort she’d put into matching her boots and leather jacket. It’s drizzling lightly when she gets out of the station and she grimaces up at the grey, clouded sky as people jostle around her, eager to get started on their Friday night. Fitting that the weather would match her outfit and her shitty mood.

She bar-hops for a few hours, but drinks slow, instead torturing herself with wondering what Cassian was up to. It felt as if nothing she did could keep him from her mind. It would be so easy to reach out, grab her phone, open their thread, and apologize. Just four steps. The only thing standing in her way was her pride, and that niggling fear, always in the back of her mind. _He knows he’s better off without you._

Jyn taps her nails against her empty glass, chewing on her lip. He had the weekend off, and she imagines him holed up at home, lamenting over takeout and the stupidity of his students as he tore apart their essays with a fine red pen.

That’s what he did the Friday nights when she was there, at least. Now that she’s thinking about it, their drunken hookup had been the first time in more than a month that she’d seen the inside of his apartment. She hadn’t noticed him growing distant until now, but distant wasn’t exactly the right word. If anything, he was treating her like a _friend_. A completely platonic, never spend any alone time together _friend_. She was so used to toeing her own line, to being as close to him as possible without being too close, that she hadn’t ever stopped to consider that he might have his own line.

But that was nonsense, of course.

Jyn shakes herself, lamenting at her own stupidity, and plucks an ice cube from her drink, popping it into her mouth before dropping a bill onto the table. Outside, she pulls her hood over her head, but doesn’t pay the darknened sky any mind this time. Let the gloom follow her if it wanted to.

So, things had been weird with Cassian before she’d even closed the space between them. The thought spins wildly in her head as she walks, hands tucked into the pockets of her jacket. What was he hiding? He never did anything without reason. That was one of the things she’d always liked about him. If he said something, did something, he meant it. There was never any bullshit with Cassian. 

Until now, of course, but she was the one who’d dragged the bullshit in by the boatload. How she’d thought confessing her feelings was a good idea was far beyond her. Hell, she wasn’t even sure she really did. All she knew was they’d definitely made out, and he’d definitely undressed her. The whiskey she’d drank had clearly drowned all of her sensible brain cells. The next time she saw Leia, she was going to get a stern talking to for encouraging drunk!Jyn’s shenanigans.

Cutting down an alley, she comes out on the block just behind the dive she’d gone to with Leia the week before. She can hear the low drivel of patrons outside the building, smoking cigarettes, waiting for cabs. The sound pulls her down the block, and she finds herself at the door, pushing it open, venturing inside before she can stop herself. This place was going to remind her too much of Cassian, and her complete _lack_ of Cassian at the moment. What did it matter, anyway? She might as well get used to it.

The last time Jyn was here, she’d spent what was supposed to be a perfectly normal night crying in the bathroom over Cassian like a love-sick moron. This time, she’ll be damned if she spends another moment wasting away over him. No, she was going to drink and dance and force herself to be fine until she actually was.

_That’s the spirit, you miserable sap. Forced happiness._

Inside, without Cassian there to bulldoze a path for her, she pushes roughly through the throng of people waiting in line at the bathrooms, through the too close together round tables, finally breaking from the crowd a few feet from the bar-top. On her tiptoes, she casts her eyes around, searching for a familiar face. This was the usual spot, there was bound to be someone she knew here. When she looks to the right, her gaze falls on Han Solo, of all people.

When he notices her looking at him, he grins widely, raising the beer in his hand, gesturing for her to come over to where he’s leant back against the bar. She can’t help but smile back, she just doesn’t have the heart to be bitchy tonight, and at least there was someone here she could stand, though she’d never tell him that. He’d never let her live it down.

While she's considering joining him (Leia would be over the moon if she spent the night bonding with her scoundrel boyfriend), Han elbows someone beside him, and when the figure blocking her view of the rest of the bar-top moves, she immediately recognizes Cassian’s profile, heart sinking. He turns to look her way, hand that had been reaching for his beer stilling. He's actually looking at her, not through her, like he had at RO, she notes. The bar lighting casts odd shadows across his face, giving his tan skin a soft glow. It was entirely unfair, how handsome he was. 

Jyn swivels on her feet as soon as he stands, eyes never leaving her face, making like he's going to start towards her after slapping cash for his drinks into Han’s chest. _Nope. Not today, Satan._ How convenient of him to suddenly be interested in speaking to her now that his model friend was nowhere to be seen. She walks right back out of the door she'd just come through, muttering expletives to herself. The universe had a sick sense of humor, always pushing them together.

The door swings open again behind her, and she hears him call her name. He'd come after her. She hadn't anticipated that, and her breath quickens. She keeps walking, ducking her head, even as her heart hammers against the wall of her chest. It’s fate, Leia would dreamily sigh, but Jyn just thinks it’s cruel joke, Cassian always dangled in front of her like a delicious, accented treat.

"Jyn, will you just wait—" With his long legs, Cassian catches up to her quickly, hooking his hand around her elbow, spinning her to face him. She jerks her arm from his grasp, looks somewhere over his left shoulder as he sighs heavily, maybe a little pained, "You can't avoid me forever." He says, head tilting to find her gaze. He always had to do that; spear her in place until she had no choice but to stop running, no choice but to stay rooted under his dark eyes.

She looks down at her feet, inspecting the scuffed leather of her boots, defiant to the very end. “I'm not avoiding you." She denies, pathetically. She very obviously was. She pretends not to hear his disbelieving scoff, instead focuses on the warmth of him less than a foot from her after a week of nothing. Her eyes sneakily dart over him; he looks exactly the same, but so completely different, or maybe it was just her, seeing him in new light.

"Do you think I'm an idiot? You left the bar literally the _second_ we made eye contact. You didn't call me back the other day—"

"You didn't call me back, either." She snaps, finally shifting her eyes to fully meet his. The familiarity pulls her in, and she wants nothing more than to step closer, but she doesn’t, instead pressing her feet hard to the sidewalk until her ankles ache. _God, this is disgusting, what is wrong with you, Jyn? He’s just a man; a beautiful, thoughtful, clever man_—oh, who was she kidding? “I mean, I'm sure you were busy with—"

"I wasn't _busy_, Jyn. I was angry." Cassian interjects, but he has the decency to soften his voice, like he actually regrets dodging her. He _had_ said he was sorry in that voicemail... No. She was determined to stand her ground.

It’s her turn to scoff now, "Angry? Please, spare me." She sharply turns away from him, starts briskly walking down the sidewalk, ignoring him as he calls her name. He catches her easily again, but this time he doesn't reach for her. She hates it as much as she hates his answer.

Anger—_ha._ He had no idea. What about _her_ anger? Being with her one night, then showing up two days later at their place with another girl on his arm—like none of it had mattered at all. She was spiraling and lonely and miserable without him and he was off _moving_ _on_ and rubbing it in her face. If he presses her on this, she's going to rage and the jealous monster—yes, okay, _fine_. She's _jealous_—inside is going to say things she'll regret.

“Is that so hard to believe? Did you really think I wouldn't be hurt or angry over the way you're handling this situation—"

She was a _situation_, now? It doesn't sit right—why can't she just say 'I don't want to be your _situation_, I just want to be _yours_'? The words are there, but they just stay lumped in her throat. Anger was currently much easier than the truth, but once that that subsided, there would be nothing left to say but what was hidden underneath. It was going to come out like vomit and there was nothing she could do about it. Nothing but deflect, and avoid, and tuck tail.

Jyn’s stomach lurches, and she stops abruptly, sharply turning to him, "_Really_? You want to do this now?" She throws her hands up, gesturing wildly to the street, "_Here_? Don't you have friends waiting for you at—"

“I’d rather be with you.” Cassian says easily, giving her an annoyed look, as if to say 'why are you being so difficult?'. Like 'difficult' wasn't her default setting. Either way, a flush spreads across her cheeks at his words. Why did he always have to say things like that?

She can feel herself deflating, and already this was a losing battle. He was going to get her alone, and then they were going to have the dreaded 'talk', and then everything was going to go to complete shite. Though, honestly, she doesn't think it can get much worse. If the sky was collapsing and falling in on her, she might as well get it over with.

“Fine." She decides, tucking a lock of hair that had come loose from her messy bun in her (pointless) efforts to escape him behind her ear, "You can come with me back to mine, I need wine for this conversation." Like an entire bottle, and then maybe a trip to the store after for more. She doesn't look at him directly, but out of her peripheral, she sees his shoulders relax, hears the relieved exhale.

“Don't expect any makeouts this time." Jyn adds, out of spite, walking again before he has a chance to respond. 

Behind her, she hears him laugh in surprise, a sputtering sound, both flabbergasted and amused at her gall. She’d missed that laugh, and all the complications that came with it. Cassian catches up to her as she rounds the corner, and for a moment, they share the smallest of smiles. She never could resist him; all that charm practically spilling out of his ears. It was shameful, how helpless she was when it came to him. All he’d had to do was his bat his eyelashes and say ‘I’d rather be with you’ and she was putty in his capable hands. Any other man and an inkling of her feeling something more than tolerance, she’d have turned up her nose, torn him to shreds, and laughed as he skulked away after foolishly daring to ask her for more than she could give.

But Cassian? God help her, she’d give him anything he wanted.

...

The trek back to her apartment is awkward and silent. Once she’d gotten over the thrill of him beside her again, the weight of her impending doom had returned. The tension was so palpable she could taste it almost as well as she could still taste his mouth on hers. The margin of space he keeps between them is painful, but it’s her fault for jerking her arm from his grasp earlier, like he’d stung her. Like she couldn’t stand him touching her. Neither of those things could be further from the truth.

Once inside her apartment, Cassian taking up all her breath and the empty space of the living room, she steals into the kitchen to hunt down the red wine she’d stowed for emergencies and to avoid the worst conversation she’s ever going to have for just a moment longer. She pops the cork easily after finding the bottle hidden under the sink, pouring herself the tallest glass possible.

Jyn hears steps behind her, turns to see Cassian giving her a slightly disapproving look from where he leans back against the counter. “What?” She asks, defensive, “It’s been a long week.” The sight of him lingering in her kitchen, like he was home, does nothing in her attempts at keeping her thoughts about him strictly professional. She knows that he knows where every spatula is, where she hides her junk food from Han. Christ, they were practically married already. How had she not noticed any of this? Too close. They’d gotten too close.

He doesn’t comment, just watches her drain her glass in two gulps before refilling it to a tasteful level. Her legs are suddenly weak, probably from the copious amounts of anxiety she’s trying to wrangle, and she sinks to the floor after abandoning her glass and going straight for the wine bottle, huffing out a sigh. She holds the bottle between her legs, watches Cassian’s feet, waits for him to fill the silence. She certainly has no idea where to start. Anything she said would probably be the least eloquent thing he’d ever heard.

After a moment, Cassian crosses the tile, finds the glass she’d left on the counter and drains it. He was always doing that, cleaning up her messes. Her heart starts to thud loudly as he lowers himself to the floor and settles beside her, his hip pressing against hers. Her hands tighten around the length of the bottle, resisting the urge to lay her head against his shoulder and let his scent cloud her head.

He catches her grimace, and misinterprets it, “You look like you’ve just witnessed a murder, Jyn. Can you really not stand to be around me?” If she didn’t know him as well as she did, she’d miss the thinly veiled hurt in his voice. Was it possible that he missed her as much as she missed him? There’s a twinge in her heart at the thought. Cassian stealing glances at his phone like her, Cassian lying awake until the early morning hours like her. Could she really be so lucky?

Jyn looks down at their feet, his legs stretching far beyond hers. “It’s not you I can’t stand.” She mumbles. How was it possible that she could feel her heartbeat everywhere? Her ears, her chest, her hands. It was beating so loud she was sure he could hear it.

“Then what? Just talk to me, Jyn.” His tone is almost pleading, and his hand touches her knee, pressing for an answer. How could he _not_ know? He had to have some idea, she was so embarrassingly obvious about it. How to say it and not freak him out?

_Everything is shite without you. I can’t think of anything worse than not kissing you again. I’m probably not worth it, but you are._

Right, those were all totally normal things to say. Totally normal and not at all supremely humiliating. She should have thought about this; of course Cassian would eventually get fed up with her shit and corner her. He wasn’t a Chatty Cathy, but he wasn’t nearly as stone-faced as she was. He didn’t feel like strangling himself when it came to talking about disgusting things like Feelings.

Her hands had clenched at her name falling from his mouth, a knot sliding from her stomach to her throat. It had never sounded better. Her eyes go misty, but she keeps her face angled away from him, fingers flexing around the bottle. She examines the tile floor closely, chewing her lip. 

_It’s me I can’t stand—for falling in love with you, for being a coward._

She was out of options. There was no escape here, no talking her way out. There was nothing to do but just say it. All of it.

“I’m just waiting for you to tell me that I’ve ruined everything, and I know it won’t feel good.” Jyn finally admits, looking at him from the corner of her eye. She hopes he doesn’t notice the flush on her skin, and if he does, that he thinks it’s from the alcohol.

“What on Earth would I _ever_ tell you you’ve ruined everything for?” He gives her a confused look, like she’s absolutely ridiculous. She’s starting to think she might be. 

“For kissing you, and fucking you,” Jyn leans her head back against the cupboard, adds with a sigh, “then leaving you because I was terrified of having to deal with it.” There. It was out. Now he could cut her in two with his overly kind rejection and watch as she bled out on the kitchen floor. Maybe he’d be decent and mop up the mess for her landlord before taking everything she held dear with him when he inevitably left. “I’m _so_ sorry, Cass, I was so drunk, and sad—so unbearably sad. You’re my best friend, and the one person I’ve never wanted to hurt. I understand if—“

Cassian’s expression had grown more and more pinched during her nervous rambling. Now, he interrupts her, waving off her mess of an apology. “Jyn, what exactly do you think happened last Friday night?”

Her head snaps sharply towards him, “Are you really going to make me spell it out?” She growls, wrenching the bottle from her lap and bringing it to her lips. What wasn’t clicking for him? Or was this some new invented form of torture? Spill your guts, Jyn, so I can break you. “We were shit-faced, I temporarily lost my mind and kissed you, then we slept—“

To her surprise, Cassian starts laughing, shaking his head. It’s a humorless, colorless sound, but it’s still a laugh. Irritation courses through her. How could he laugh at a time like this? Angrily, she attempts to wrench away from him, but he’s quick, hand darting out to wrap around her elbow. 

“No,” He glowers, holding her steady as she makes a weak attempt to pull herself free, “you’ve been running away from me all week. You owe me a conversation.”

She wants to say that she doesn’t owe him or anyone a damn thing, but the air between them was already tense enough, so she sputters out, miffed, “Laughing at me is _not_ going to get me to talk—“

“I’m not laughing at you,” Cassian interjects gently, like he’s trying to coax a skittish horse. She half expects him to pull an apple out of his pocket. “I’m laughing because—because I can’t believe _this_ is what you’ve been spiraling about and avoiding me all week over.” He shakes his head, dubious. His hand is still warm on her elbow, and she slides back into place beside him, not quite as willing to part with him as she had been a moment before. How was he being so casual about all of this? She really felt like she was missing something.

“You’re not freaking out.” Jyn accuses, eyes narrowing. The mistrust is clear in her voice.

Cassian’s lips twitch, “No.” He agrees. He drops his hand from her arm, angling his head down to speak close to her ear, like he’s got a secret just for her, “Christ, Jyn,” He sounds as exasperated as she feels, “I kissed you, okay? And we didn’t sleep together—well, we did, but we didn’t fuck. I stopped it before it went that far.” 

Jyn melts into a gooey puddle, deflating, “Oh.” She breathes. A thousand questions race in circles in her head, but she can’t seem to make herself ask any of them. She’s stumped. She’s not sure if it’s his use of ‘fuck’, or his admittance to kissing her, but she can’t feel her toes right now, like she’s floating.

“Oh?” He repeats, brows lifting. She can’t blame him for not being able to keep up with her violently changing mood swings. She can hardly keep up herself.

“Well, that—that changes things, doesn’t it?” She says, more to herself than him as the gears start to turn. If they didn’t fuck, then nothing was different. Nothing had to be ruined. If all they’d done was kiss and—

Wait.

“You _kissed_ me.” She says, accusing like before. The thought had finally sunk in. Cassian had kissed her. Willingly. Cassian had _kissed_ her. Was this what it felt like to win the lottery? A million dollars and world peace could never compare to this information.

_Pull yourself together, Jyn. This isn’t over yet._

“Yes.” Cassian says simply, giving her a soft look, and she’s missed the crinkling at the corners of his eyes like she misses the sun the moment it sets, “You were soaked to the bone from the rain, but still laughing and still so beautiful. I had to know what you tasted like.”

A little more of that night slips into place at his words. I had to know what you tasted like. Hasn’t she said that to herself? _I have to know what you taste like. Just once. Just once I have to have you on the tip of my tongue._

She remembers the sheets of falling rain as they walked down the sidewalk, Cassian grumbling as she drunkenly stumbled beside him. Thank god she’d worn her _Vans_ and not something awful like those spiked heels Leia’s always trying to shove at her. She was entirely too drunk to hold heels, her phone, and Cassian’s arm, and honestly, his arm was the one thing she’d refuse to drop. She couldn’t think of a better end to the night than being stuck in the rain with him at her side. Well, she could; both of them with less clothing and less inhibitions, but this would suffice for now.

His hand wraps around hers suddenly as lightning flashes above, lighting the dull sky with a sharp streak of purple. He pulls her into an roofed alcove, temporarily shielding them both from the rain. Thunder booms somewhere far away, and she’s still giggling, wiping droplets from her face as he shakes his hair out and glares up at the sky. Her hand comes away from her cheek covered in black eyeliner smudges, and she grimaces as she attempts to wipe the black off on her jeans. She pouts when she has no luck; the smudges have only spread. She’s too drunk to really care, but Cassian takes pity on her.

“You are hopeless. Let me.” He chides, rolling his eyes, more bemused than anything. The hand not holding hers comes up to swipe the black from her face. She expects him to pull away after, he was always so careful when he touched her, but he doesn’t, letting his thumb draw down her cheek, along the length of her jaw. Her skin prickles where he’s ghosting across it, and she wonders; do you know what you do to me? She leans closer to him, almost invading his space. He could push her away, he could step back from her. If he did, she’d probably die from the loss of him, but at least she’d know.

Only, he doesn’t drift away. He drifts closer, something like wonder and want spreading across his unfairly handsome features. He rests his forehead against hers, and she blinks up at him through her fringe. She forgets that he’d had a date, that he’s supposed to be her platonic best friend, that they shouldn’t be this close, she forgets all of it and lets herself get a little lost in those dark eyes. She’d dive to the bottom of them if she could.

“Jyn, I...” He trails off, eyes flicking down to her lips. His thumb is still on her skin, stroking softly, a streak of fire where their skin connects. She wants him all over, touching her hips and thighs and shoulders and—

“Yes?” She breathes when he doesn’t finish. Something good is about to happen, she can feel it. In her bones. In the charged space between them. Is there really a humming sound around them, or is that just her excitement buzzing in her ears? Cassian’s eyes meet hers again, and he says something under his breath that sounds a little like ‘I really hope you forgive me for this’ before he’s caving, ducking further down, mouth melding to hers.

The kiss tastes like whiskey, cold rain, and _Cassian_. His stubble scratches pleasantly at the corners of her mouth, her chin. He tilts his head, dropping his hand from her face to clutch at her waist. She presses the length of her body against him, her fingers wrapping around the lapels of his jacket. Of all the first kisses she’s had, this one has got to be her favorite. Somehow, she knows exactly what angle he wants, how hard to press, where to rest her hands. There was nothing to practice, she already knew it all.

When they part to exhale warm air, they linger close to each other. He gives her a sweet smile, bumps his nose against hers. If she turns just a hair she’ll be kissing him again, so she does, letting the patter of the rain on the roof above them and the taste of his mouth cloud her head. If she was asked her name right now, she’s not sure she’d know it.

While she’s holding onto his neck for deal life, the kisses change; no longer sweet and exploratory, but heady and wanting and lingering. She’d always imagined that he would be good, but this good? She must be dreaming. 

Cassian’s fingers brush her hair from her eyes, then come to rest on her jaw and cheek, cradling her face. She angles her head, sucks a little on his bottom lip. Her hand ghosts just over the edge of his belt buckle, down the seam of his zipper.

Breaking away, after letting out a strained groan that hits her right in the lower belly (god, this heat was going to kill her), he mutters, “We’re in public, Jyn.” Proper as always, though, he’d let her go a little further if she tried hard enough, she thinks. His breathing is as uneven as hers, he’s still in her space, pressing her back against the cold brick wall.

“Don’t be so boring, Cassian.” She teases halfheartedly, already rising back onto her toes again. Her mouth takes any response he’d had and twists it into a rough, heated kiss. Taking her playful insult personally, his hand glides expertly underneath her jacket, working up her shirt, thumb just barely grazing the underside of her breast, back and forth. His strokes are even and measured, meant to illicit a reaction, the fucking tease. The touches don’t match his kisses; deseperate and wet and—his finger flicks fully over her nipple, hardening it. She hisses into his mouth, jerking closer. If he asked her to drop to her knees right now she’d—

_Good lord, Jyn. Get thee to a nunnery_.

“Boring, hm?” He murmurs into her ear as her head falls back against the brick with a soft sigh. He’s sucking at her pulse point, clutching at her hips, sliding a knee between her thighs. Every motion goes right to her clit. She has to get him alone and undressed and underneath her now. There was something important she was supposed to tell him tonight, but for the life of her, she can’t remember right now. All she can think about is his body pressed to hers, the hand not under her shirt wrapping around the back of her thigh. She aches to hike it up over his hip.

“Your apartment is close.” She notes, and doesn’t miss the airiness of her tone. He turns her into a blushing schoolgirl. However, she couldn’t be bothered to care at the moment. She’d revisit that later, when his fingers weren’t toying with the waistband of her jeans and his mouth wasn’t melded to the space where her neck and shoulder meet.

He pulls away just a hair, and she can barely hold back a whine. His eyes flick quickly over her face, searching for any reservations. “Are you sure—“

“We’re either fucking here or there, Cass, take your pick.”

“Jesus, Jyn,” He shakes his head, amused at her complete lack of tact. “what am I going to do with you?” He squeezes her hips, like he knows exactly what he’s going to do.

Dizzily, she says, “I’ll start a list, but for now, take me home.”

Back in her kitchen, Jyn can’t help it, she has to scramble away from him, put some distance between them. Had he seen the desperation in her eyes, the need? She stands with her arms wrapped around her middle, back to him where he still rests on the floor. Her mind races a mile a minute, digesting all this new information, “You said we didn’t have sex?” She asks, voice strained, trying to seem nonchalant. Inside she’s an avalanche. How had she forgotten all of that? The look in his eye, he’d wanted her. Badly. Maybe as badly as she’d wanted him.

(She remembers straddling him, working the straps of her bra off her shoulders, dragging her nails down his chest and abdomen. His hands catch hers and hold them still as she almost falls off of him in her hurry to get him undressed. “Jyn, wait,” he murmurs, smiling against her mouth. He’s smiled more tonight than the last three years, she thinks.

Wait, he’d said.

She freezes, his words breaking through her drunk, must fuck Cassian haze, “You don’t want this?” She asks, voice cracking. Shame floods her, she was so sure—

“I do, trust me, I do,” he soothes, bringing her hands to his mouth, laying light kisses on her knuckles, “but I want you to make this decision with a clear head.”

Her heart swells, the embarrassment instantly draining from her, “That—that’s so respectable.”

Cassian laughs, a genuine rumble in his chest before he slides himself from underneath her.

“Cass.” She whines at the loss of contact, pressing her face into his pillow. His hands close around her sides, rolling her onto her back. He drops a t-shirt onto her face as the ceiling starts to spin above her. “Oh, I’m _really_ drunk, Cassian.” She admits. “Like _too_ drunk.”

“I know, _mi amor_, tomorrow will be better. Sleep will help.” He replies, patting her underwear clad hip. The lights flip off and the bed dips and the blankets shift as he nestles beside her. She sits up slowly, pulling the shirt he’d given her on. She clutches the collar, bringing it to her nose and inhaling. Everything here smelled like heaven. Flopping backwards, she tucks herself against him, wiggling until she’s found just the right spot.

His lips press against her shoulder as they spoon, “Is this okay?” He asks lightly, and she’s already too tired to talk, to tired to do much of anything at all but sink further against him and nod sleepily. Tomorrow, she’d try to remember that thing she was supposed to tell him. Tomorrow, like he’d said, would be better.)

“We came close,” Cassian answers, a moment behind her memories, “it’s true, but I would never take advantage of you like that, Jyn. Besides,” he breaks off, and she turns her head to look over her shoulder, watches as he licks his lips, searching for the right words.

“Besides what?” She prompts, when he takes just a little too long. He’d been so gentle with her that night, so soft and sweet and patient—and she’d repaid him by playing games.

“I wanted to know if you’d still want me in the morning when you’d sobered up, but when I woke up, you were gone.” It’s this that has her turning to fully face him. He hadn’t bothered to try and mask the hurt in his tone. When their eyes connect again, the guilt rushes her. He’d probably thought she didn’t care at all, that it was nothing, all those things she’d been telling herself he felt.

Jyn fidgets, curling her toes in her boots, “I’m sorry for leaving you.” She finally says, “I just... I panicked. I didn’t want things to change between us.”

Cassian sighs, “Things were always going to change between us, Jyn. You had to know that. You _had_ to know that I—“

Jyn shakes her head, interrupting, a hint of hopeful desperation in her voice. She can fix this. “But they don’t have to, don’t you see? Nothing has to change. You were drunk and I was there and—“

“Is that really what you think? That it was nothing to me?” Cassian’s glare is sharp, and it stops her breath in her chest, makes her heart stutter. Maybe she doesn’t know anything about what he thinks at all.

If Leia was here, she’d be screaming at her: _TELL HIM THE TRUTH_.

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” Jyn admits, looking down at her hands to avoid eye contact. They always did her in. Those damn eyes.

“Jyn...” He’s standing now, looking like he wants to reach out for her, but he doesn’t, instead gives her space to roam and pace back and forth across the kitchen like a wild animal.

“Cassian, this entire time I’ve known you, I’ve wanted—I’ve wanted things between us to be different.” God, she’s so terrible at this, “But I was afraid—I was afraid I would lose you. Our friendship means so much to me, you know that. Maybe it’s selfish, maybe I’m just an idiot—“ Mistakenly, she takes a peak at him to see how he’s taking her awful rambling, and to her surprise, he’s grinning. “What’s so funny?” She growls as she straightens, hands on her hips, jade eyes narrowing into a glare.

“I’m sorry, I know this is difficult for you, but I just,” Cassian rubs a hand over his face, chuckling to himself, “I’m going to be honest with you, Jyn. I don’t give a damn about our friendship.” Her mouth drops open, heart plummeting to the floor. _Well_. He’s stepping closer to her now, still amused as all of her armor starts to crack and chip away, she’s going to fall to her knees and turn to dust any moment now, she’s sure of it. This is the part she was dreading. “Not if it means that I don’t get to have you the way I want you.”

_Oh_. She hadn’t been expecting that. He’s just in front of her now, and his finger comes up to draw across her cheek like it had that night in the rain.

“How do you want me?” She almost whispers, entranced. Wasn’t it just a moment ago that she was ready to change her name and move to Switzerland? Now, she can’t tear her eyes from him.

Something flashes across his face, and he asks gently, genuinely surprised, “Do you really not know?”

She shakes her head. She honestly has no idea what’s happening right now, only that Cassian’s touching her, different than the other times he’s touched her. Still affectionate, but now also intimate. His thumb coaxes her chin up until their gaze is level. 

“I’ve loved you for years, Jyn. I don’t know when it began, but it did, and it hasn’t stopped. I wanted to tell you so many times, but I was afraid of what you’d say. Afraid I’d fuck everything up. That night, that stupid date I went on, it was because I was trying to force myself into getting over you. I should have known that was never an option. You’ve been giving me the run around all week and yet, I can’t seem to stay away.”

It’s the most she’s ever heard him speak in one go, and she’s probably gaping like a fish, but she can’t help it. He loves her. Cassian _loves_ her. Is she having menopausal heat flashes or is he just crowding the room, sucking up all the oxygen with the burning fire he’s just laid at her feet?

“Say something.” He urges, a little ruffled at her silence. Who would have thought that Cassian Andor was capable of being ruffled?

“I’m sorry, I just—I just thought... that you would never look at me like that. You never gave me any sign that you felt this way.”

He glares halfheartedly, “Untrue. It’s fairly obvious to everyone else. I don’t think you ever let yourself notice, Jyn. I could have shouted it from the rooftops, and you wouldn’t have even looked up. You’re so cold and detached sometimes. I don’t think you realize.”

Jyn sways on her feet, looking back on every moment they’ve ever shared with new eyes, “I can be... difficult.” She allows. 

Cassian snorts, “That’s a word for it.” He lets her ruminate for a moment, watches the wheels turn in her head with a nervous look, and she realizes, she hasn’t said it back. Holy hell, she’d never thought this moment would come, and she doesn’t know the first thing to do with it.

But he’d made it easier for her, hadn’t he? He’d opened the door, and was waiting for her to choose to step through it, or slam it in his face.

There was just one last thing.

“What about the girl? The one from the date, and Tuesday.” She asks, pointedly not looking at him.

“I thought that’s what you wanted me to do, Jyn. You know, act like everything was fine. I thought you were angry I kissed you, and you wanted to pretend nothing had happened or changed between us. I’ve brought girls around before. So I thought—“ he shakes his head, “When I saw your face, I immediately knew it was a mistake.”

“So, you’re not seeing her anymore, then.”

Cassian rolls his eyes to the ceiling, “‘Seeing’ is a very loose term, but no, Jyn, I’m not. I know what I want. I always have.”

Jyn reaches out, pressing her small hand to his chest, right above his heart. It beats as wildly as hers flutters, reverberating along the length of her arm. She can feel his eyes darting across her face, waiting, wondering. It gives her a little thrill, watching him squirm.

_Oh, don’t be mean, Jyn, just say it. Finally. Just say it._

She looks up at him, lips quirking at the corners, truly brave with him for the first time since she’d met him, “I love you, Cassian,” he sucks in a breath, hand instantly folding over hers where it still rests against him, “and I don’t give a damn about our friendship, either. Not if it means I have to give this up.” His body relaxes under her touch, and then he’s pulling her forward, wrapping his arms around her, tucking his chin into the top of her head. She sighs happily, looping her arms around his waist. His touch seems to glue her back together, all the fears and insecurities she’d been choking on the last week seem to dislodge, fading into nothing. 

She feels better for saying it. How easy the words had come, once he’d jumped the hurdles and paved the way for her. He was so good, always knowing just what she needed, and it wasn’t because she was his friend, he knew these things because he loved her, and had paid attention, and had learned.

Jyn really wants to kiss him, so she does, sliding her arms up his chest, over his shoulders, around his neck. “We’ve definitely got to work on our communication skills.” She mutters a moment later when they part.

Cassian hand wraps in her hair, tilting her head back, something deliciously dark in his eyes, “I don’t feel like talking much right now.”

...

Later, when Jyn finally manages to extract herself from Cassian, she rolls over in her bed, reaches for her phone where it rests on the nightstand, squeaking when Cassian’s hand slides across her bare stomach, down her hip, dangerously close to the dip between her legs. She shoos him off, “Insatiable.” She teases, and he makes an ‘mm’ noise in agreement.

“Can you blame me?” He asks against her shoulder where he’s just dropped a kiss. She feels him flop onto his back, but he keeps a hand on her, tracing lazy circles on her body as she opens a group chat with Leia and Bodhi.

**Me** [Saturday 1:27 am]

Guess WHATTTTT

**Leia O**. [Saturday 1:31 am]

Omg tell me

**Bodhi R.** [Saturday 1:32 am]

???

**Me** [Saturday 1:34 am]

We’re in love, we banged, it was great

**Leia O.** [Saturday 1:34 am]

AGSJDJDKSOWNNDBDHSH

**Leia O.** [Saturday 1:35 am]

Bodhi you owe me $20

**Bodhi R.** [Saturday 1:37 am]

Why do I feel like you cheated

**Me** [Saturday 1:40 am]

YOU GUYS WERE BETTING ON US???

**Leia O.** [Saturday 1:42 am]

I may have suggested to both Jyn and Cassian that a night out would do them some good, it’s not my fault they just happened to stumble upon each other. That’s not cheating, that’s chess, darling. Checkmate, pay up

**Bodhi R.** [Saturday 1:43 am] 

You should be a politician

**Bodhi R.** [Saturday 1:44 am]

*payment attached*

**Me** [Saturday 1:46 am]

I hate both of you


End file.
